seperation anxiety

I only have two days here in the office and will surely gonna miss everything...YM-friendster-blogspot-multiply-yahoo access...chatting...minute breaks...hanging out...coffee...and the like! I must admit (with some sort of guilt!) that for my four months stay here, I have felt that it was just like havin' a great time for myself...for my friends...and for anybody else. I know, ok, that it was a little unfair...I don't know...but to sum it all? my stay was generally (or fabulously!) great! (or fun, whatever?!). On top of that, nothing really compares with the bonding time I had with Roche....that's something I really treasure. We have been friends since college and that's for almost ten years. We're close but, well, not this much... Let just say before, I used to call (bug)her on the phone, in the middle of my "topak mood or taranta mood", just to release either my temper, boredom, stress, anger...or whatever outburst I may have, just when she was about to take a sleep after her long and heavy day/night in the office (btw, she was then working in the call center...hehehe). Or sometimes...I would call her in the office (when she was working the bank, just imagine how busy it is to work in the bank and one can not really afford to make long calls...) ...But, I do that to all my friends (I mean, in our group) especially when I wan't to make "papansin" or "lambing"....
I remember our big (but petty) fight .... I told her she wasn't paying attention. The funny thing was...I wanted (expected) her to memorize all the characters involved, all the dates, places, events in my stories...and I wanted her to answer correctly, in case I would ask her just to make sure she's getting everything right (some sort of an oral recitation in a class, imagine that?!)hahaha and whenever we remember about that, we couldn't help but to burst out a mouth-breakin' laugh!
But now, maybe because, we're getting a bit matured (hope not only physically) each day...there's really a certain depth in our friendship. If there was already before...I know, time made it a lot deeper. We saw each other succumb in our fears, triumph in our undertakings, cried like a baby, laugh like there's no tommorrow, stand firm with our principles/pride/decision....we saw each other hold on to faith...dream...wish...love...hope...forgive...let go....accept....enjoy...and believe. I am happy and will forever be grateful for havin' such a wonderful and awesome friends..just like Roche. I will certainly miss everything, including the perks, about the office...but more than that...I will surely miss every minute with Roche. But of course....it is a given thing that friendship remains...besides, in our group we considered everyone as an extended family member.

ego vs. feelings

perhaps the former...
in order not to be indenial,
i will try much to analyze myself...my feelings
but for now..it is the ego speakin'

dwelling was never my intention, but i couldn't help at times...
i could have just clicked the button and deleted everything,
but life can never be undone
it can only be lived forward.
i am just being honest...
if admitting that it still hurts me is becoming weak
then..let me be called weak.
sooner...
oneday will come
that i'll get numb...
and no longer will i feel this way.

confession

there's something happening...i hope only in my head
whatever it is...i hope this will pass
arrrrrggghhhh not again!!!!!!

wake up!

i'd rather not be coated with so much promises and hopes...if these are false.
perhaps, it is not something i really can beg for...
sometimes i wanna tell myself to just shut up...and accept things.
i am still in denial
and insisting...
when will i get tired?- only myself can answer that...
an answer i have long been searching....almost there but always stepping back


i can give...but not so much.

PART 2 -SUBIC'08

- havin' breakfast with friends...what a nice morning. kahit puyat sa drinking session...and kulitan, okay lang. There are 5 bedrooms in the house but the boys decided to sleep in our room, so they brought the bed upstairs. Funny thing we've realized the morning after...all the girls have no kumot!!!Lahat nasa boys! Me, I just comforted my self with Sheila's jacket na super nastretch (sleeping in fetal position "pagmaiksi ang kumot, matutong mamuluktot! imagine that?!), the house is centralized plus we have one fan in the room, so what do you expect! Ruby (the tequila girl) was so kulit that night. Ohnat said, hindi na daw nya alam ang kahulugan ng salitang "TULOG" hehehe. I was, well, for a change, behaved! hehehe...

-We stopped for a snack at Razon's Pampanga. That's emie, justin, ohnat, elvin, bart, me, ron, bij, rina, sheila and jayson.

**to be continued

PART 1- SUBIC'08

- this was taken before we left the (bj's mom's) house. Sobrang saya! indeed! beach in the afternoon, cooking session in the evening, tequila and beer till dawn, breakfast, cleaning the house, snacks at pampanga, church visiting at Bacolor, drinking session in the evening at mama lei's.

- this one, we were just chilling out at the beach. When we got there it was at the peak of the heat. At first, we were undecided whether to drop by at bj's place and leave our things, then proceed to the beach. But eventually, we ended up at the beach first.

- that was the guys (vin, jay and bart) grilling newly caught tuna.

-BALISTAD! hehehe. That's Sheila and Ruby2 doing some cooking. Sheila made a mushroom soup na sunog. Ruby-sinaing na parang BIKO. and i guess it was Ohnat who made the Porkchop--> na parang papel sa nipis and nakakabungi ng ngipin. But we ended up eating everything, hehehe, habang nilalait ang mga ginawa nila.

- that's me! with bj and ruby1.

hurt

what you don't know won't hurt you....
--that's why i'm feeling this way.

THANK YOU
-sometimes moving...and gratifying
sometimes insencere
worst is- sarcastic...

I CARE
-even a person sleeping, can barely say that, nowadays...
unexpensive...sometimes worthless!

I AM SORRY
-easiest to say, to take out the guilt
hardest to get, when pride is ruling...
Not meant!


I LOVE YOU
- both the easiest and hardest phrase to say.
The reason, perhaps, lies on the person saying it...
Misused! and abused!

How can you afford to complain if you are being compensated with so much blessings?
guess, you will be grateful rather than hurt and bitter...

--cured