here i am again...playing dumb and fool...
i guess i will never understand why certain feelings havent changed...even if it shouldnt stay
i have nothing to hope for...for the hope had passed me by...
the truth has been set out...offered...laid down my table
but i kept denying it for so long...only because i could not bear the pain of losing him in my life...
if loving him in silence is the only consolation...and the only way to keep him i'd do that wholeheartedly
i'd be lying if i'd say im no longer hoping...my faith is rallying inside and asking God another chance...bargaining
here i am again....pushing things

Preparation and waiting

I always cling to the idea that God is preparing the right one for me. That whoever that person is, perhaps God is improving him before giving him to me. What a self-serving thought!
Lately, i've experienced another heartache.

I was bitter for a week. Irritated..grumpy and bitch!!!
It was a 'lil painful this time because I thought everything was falling perfectly on its proper place. I thought that it was long overdue...but was worth the wait.

But all these things were wrong, if not misconception.

It was overdue and premature ...quite an oxymoron? Let me explain..as i go along...
Nevertheless, it was a perfect time for me to ponder and look within me to know where the problem is coming from....was it me or the other person again?
I was in denial to say it's me...as blaming is more than easy.
But truth as they say would set you free.. and so I looked for more answers.

More than preparing the person for me...I guess God wants me to be prepared..when the right one comes along.
Rather than thinking that the person for me is being prepared, I should take a step to look into my own shortcomings and improve the person that i am...
I will forever lose those that come along my way if I don't how to love and care for myself.
Only then I will realize who to keep and who to let go...
if i love myself, i will let other people to love me...
...and will not hurt the one that loves me..or the one I love.

....

im writing again with so much emotions inside me that i can't contain and control...thoughts are running rapidly and i don't know how to organize...but i'll try to make sense out of it...pardon if i'd fail...
my tears been hiding behind my eyes and it's painful to the throat as well...i wanted to hug my bestfriend/cousin before she went inside the departure area...but for some reason i did not.
i know i will miss her.
my tears been hidind behind my eyes and it's painful to the throat as well when i saw my two cousins embracing the other day...bidding goodbyes. I saw the other one welling with tears overwhelmed by the goodness one did for her through these trying times...and i saw the other controlling her tears and trying to make things light....i turned back and wiped my tears.
i'm happy with the recent news...that my nephew had a successful chemo treatment and that the bad cells had gone...God is good! Prayers are still needed for the continous fast recovery. My thanks to the many people who have said their sincere prayers.
I hope it is not too late for me to ever finally decipher what i have been feeling for the past few weeks...now that i finally know i hope fate won't play with me....i'm afraid of bein' hurt once more.
I'm doing my part as the others would say i need to do...if this would fail this time...it's not gonna be my fault.

i have browsed the complete list of new lawyers for the year...
i saw familiar names.
i'm happy and at the same time a lil edgy about the idea of "me" taking the bar.
i'm having goosebumps more than ever!
i can say i am not equipped yet...but i am aware that this is a normal feeling every lawstudent feels.
i know it is too premature for me to feel this way as "taking the bar" is really far from my status right now..
13 more subjects i need to hurdle...
more money i need to burn...
more strength and determination i need to squeeze from myself..
more prayers to say
more challenges i need to surpass with flying colors...
more people to include in my network
more experiences to learn....
God will make a way....I know
I just can't afford to fail those who are believing in me...including myself
I am inspired by the many people I want to help in getting this dream...

just now...

i miss this kind of moment...
moment to be with myself...alone...yet not lonely.
im enjoying the new workplace as we finally moved to a different location...im loving the place.

many thoughts are running in my mind tonight...

• like it's really important to value relationship because during dark days...those whom you have valued will show all the care and support. It's important to value relationship...just that do not expect that those whom you have valued will show the same. It is still a no-no to expect.but generous and sincere care can surely melt one's heart.
• I'm glad that i was brought up close to my relatives. I love my cousins, my tito's and tita's and my pamangkins so much...i love them all my life. In times of adversities...our family is the only thing that we can really lean on. tried and tested!
• I used to cry over people who never even showed love...not even the slightest care. I grew up praying for them to love me. I grew up wishing them to like me. I grew up hoping they just will not hate me. And then I grew up loving the people they love and not expecting anymore for anything...Now, I've proven that God answers prayers...in perfect time.
• I know it's such a cliche' but its applicability in our daily lives could save us from anxiety..."There is a reason for everything..."
• ....and lastly, I am now convinced to give someone a chance not because of something else...but because I trust God's plans...and I'm lifting everything on Him.

silent for a while...

haven't created an entry for a while...
I have been busy with the coming of my cousins from Dubai..
..foreclosure problems...(which I have been carrying out for a year or two...now it suddenly exploded...)
and lately..looking for a foundation for my nephew.
My nephew (from my first cousin), 3 yr old smart and cute little angel, was diagnosed with Leukemia.
It was a bad news that caught everyone in different emotions.

Until now...i am out of words...much more are my cousins...and my nephew's parents.


I am thankful for my friends who have showed support and concern.
For those who have prayed...
and still praying for his fast recovery.

thanks...

They say "you can not serve two masters at the same time"...

I totally agree that it's hard to do so.... but "the can't" is but a relative word.

It is not totally impossible to do both if you have the passion and determination.

Though, I often wonder how life would be less complicated, not to mention stressful, should I only be studying and not working at the same time.  

I know and I imagine how much time I could devout then to my second course and the probability of excelling all the more in the later field.  

However, I could not forgo the perks which i I also enjoy "with being employed".  Such that as a working student, monthly salary has been serving as the means of subsidizing my studies and sustaining the lifestyle that I have.

It is hard to juggle everything, but I must admit that it makes the journey not only challenging...but fulfilling as well.

Ganon talaga

"Sinasabi ko minsan na itigil na to...katulad ng sinasabi ng marami.  Kahibangan.  Katangahan.  Pero kung paano ko gagawin hindi ko alam.  Ang alam ko lang sinusunod ko lang kung anung sinasabi ng nararamdaman ko.  Maliban doon...hindi ko na alam.  Gustuhin ko man.  Hindi ko magawa."

they say that God listens to our prayers...even before we say it, he knows what our heart desires...

i know God knows my prayer...

SO WHAT?!

after all these years...

i never get tired....

why would i?

guess they will never understand why...

should i care?

i have given up controlling what i feel...

it doesn't make me any happy...

now im just taking the risk

giving without receiving...and becoming happy out of it....no matter how ridiculous it may seem to be.

i won't care if this will cause me pain...again

i've been there so many times...and i've manage to get up...why should i be afraid now?

there's no learning...there's no rationalizing of things...

because at the end of the day...it is not your reason that shall prevail...

IT IS WHAT YOU FEEL...

and i don't want to live a life full of "what if" 

for once...

i just wanna be true to myself...