OFFICIALLY...

it's finally over!

it's now or never

I just needed to breathe for a moment...
I am more than 24hours awake...i reached home around past 7am - only to take a shower and get my stuffs.
I am officially tired!...wasted! ( and what a timing to bump into someone today...at this miserable state)
I know I have been complaining million times but have not made any decision yet...
It's like I'm crying for the pain but have not even bothered to take some medicines to totally cure it or to just even relieve the pain....
I am not happy...and it's beginning to be one hell.

Is it not okay to give up one fight if it is not worth it?
Is giving up means I am a weakling?...a loser?

I just can't believe that I am stuck in a situation and helpless about it!
I know that it was my choice, in the first place, and should be making an effort to adjust...however, sometimes there are things beyond my control....and if I could only have the powers to mitigate what has been making me insane, I would have done that even the first time it strikes....But I have none.

I'm afraid to wake up one day... shattered, distressed, and destroyed. My confidence and esteem are slowing draining/depleting...i'm afraid i'll wake up one day empty.

Sister Amy said "I guess the best sign from the Lord is that you are no longer happy..."
In our counselling session, she mentioned that it is now my values that will dictate how will I decide...what are my priorities....what I value most in my life....
I KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS...
but sometimes I can really be stubborn...

I need to gather all my guts...probably faith...to come up with a decision.

i believe that God has the best position to teach someone what the word HUMILITY means...

caught in between

i am in between of wanting to leave and not wanting it...
my cuz says "if you can't take the heat of the kitchen...get out from the kitchen." which is quite rational and uncomplicated...
but iam fixated in one point!
sometimes i question myself if time has changed what i value most...or has it changed me completely?
oneday i have a decision..the next day i totally decided otherwise.
what the hell is eating me?!
...if I would only consider myself...i could have been impulsive in the first instance.
but i don't live only for myself...there are others i have to consider...
both my mind and heart are saying to choose happiness...
now, i have no right to complain...considering i choose the other way.
i am stuck!
but until when?.....

BAD weather

I'm having cold and fever today as the weather is bad and the rain is heavy...
ahhhhh....i just hope there won't be a bad weather in the office (huh????) tomorrow.
it has been raining since May in the office....it's like a mean and big storm has hit us badly...
but i hope we'll all get by.
I believe that God has His promise...soon this storm shall pass and we will see rainbow...

my other self speaking....

****trying (very hard) to convince myself that mind can control everything...
Ignorance can not excuse one from burning himself all because he thought fire is but a bright shining thing. It is not 'merely' superficial...in fact, it is dangerous if you don't know its use.
Instinct is a flimsy excuse...and shall never justify an action which you already know, in the first place, unacceptable.
Reality bites...but surely the bite of guilt can kill one's soul.
There is only confusion if you don't allow yourself to risk in believing in only one conviction.
If you allow yourself to flow in your own river....you'll probably find your own peace and serenity....but first you have to drop down your defenses....and FORGIVE yourself.

PALIMOS NG AWA

Sa ating bansa, normal na ang makakita ng mga taong sumasakay sa mga pampasaherong sasakyan, tulad ng Bus, at nanghihingi ng "kunting" tulong. Ilang beses na din akong nabigyan ng envelope at sulat patungkol dito, habang nakaupo sa Bus at kung minsan pa nga sa Jeep. Ilang beses na din akong nakadinig ng mga mahahabang litanya ng maraming kadahilanan...ilan dito ay; strike, sila ay tinanggal sa serbisyo, kahirapan, may malubhang karamdaman, nais makapag-aral, o tulong para sa kanilang organisasyon o relihiyon. Sa dami at limit ng mga ganitong dahilan, kung minsa'y hindi na nga ako nakikinig....maliban na nga lamang kung labis akong naantig. Hindi sa ayaw kung magbigay ng tulong, ngunit ayaw ko lang suportahan ang ganitong uri ng paghahanap ng pagkakakitahan o salapi. Kung iisipin kasi marami nga ang hindi kumpleto ang ibang bahagi ng katawan gayumpaman ay nakakagawa ng paraan para mabuhay at makakain mula sa kanilang dugo at pawis...at bakit hindi naman magawa ng iba? Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon lahat kailangan kumilos...at hindi dapat umasa.... Sabagay, mahirap din naman magsalita...hindi naman ako yung sumasakit ang tyan at nagugutom.

Noong nakaraang linggo, may sumakay sa Bus na aking sinasakyan patungo sa opisina. Isang mama na sa edad 40 pataas. Matangkad, Maputi, di gaanong madusing tulad ng ibang pulubi...ang kanyang damit ay malinis...naka maong na shorts at light blue na muscle shirt...- hindi mo talaga pagkakamalang mamamalimos. At nagsimula na nga siyang bumati ng magandang umaga. Sa una, mas pinili ko nalamang tumingin sa bintana, kahit na nga ba halos kaharap ko na siya at dinig na dinig. Sa isip ko, marahil ito ay dating driver ng bus at nasa strike sila o kaya naman natanggal sa serbisyo, gaya ng mga dahilan ng ibang akyat-bus. " malakas po ang pangangatawan ko dati at ako po ay may nagtatrabaho"- sa loob loob ko mukha pa naman malakas parin sya. Nakuha lang niya ang aking atensyon ng sabihing " di naman po sa pagmamayabang...noong kabataan ko halos perpekto ho ang aking mukha..." sabay tingin ko sa mukha ni manong. Maputi si manong, mistisuhin, matangos ang ilong, makapal ang kilay at maganda nga ang mata. Sa kanyang pagpapatuloy, sinabi nya na " dati ho akong nagtrabaho sa roxas boulevard. 1980- 19xx sa malate, 19xx-19xx sa ____, 19xx-19xx___," napakaraming petsa at lugar, parang pagsasalaysay sa resume. "...di po sa pagmamayabang ako po ay dating model, dancer, macho dancer po ako dati" - at alam ko ikinagulat din ng marami. Proud si manong sa kanyang tono. "...ang mga kasamahan ko ay nasa Japan na. Hindi po ako nakasama dahil ako po ay nagkasakit ng matagal. 49 years old na po ako at may sakit na hindi naman po ako manggugulo nanghihingi lang ng kunting tulong...mas mabuti na pong nagpapakumbaba. Ako po ay may Skin Disease"- sabay tingin ko sa kamay nyang nakahawak sa upuang nasaharapan ko....punung puno ng sugat na maliliit ang kamay nya...at ang paa ay nangingitim at lumubo na din. Hindi ko alam bakit ako nagbigay, at hindi ko din alam bkit ang mga kasakay ko ay walang anu anung nagbukas ng kanilang mga wallet at nagabot. Siguro para makaalis na din ang mama sa tabi namin, dahil sabi nga nya may skin disease sya at mukhang nakakahawa.... O dahil ba naawa ako sa kanya? Kung iisipin sa mura nyang edad ay hindi lang mukha kundi pati katawan na ang kanyang naging puhunan....Pero kung iisipin mo...marami namang paraang upang mabuhay....at kung titignan mo hanggat sa pag tanda nya, yung mabilis paring paraan ng pagkita ng pera ang kanyang sandalan. Pero siguro nga may kanya kanyang dahilan....at wala pa rin akong karapatan upang siya ay husgahan. Ganun pa man, epektibo ang naging paraan nya...

Marahil mali ang aking pagbibigay...dahil para ko na ding kinunsinte ang taong iyon. Maari namang ang barya ko ay isa sa nakabuo ng sapat na perang pambili ng kanyang gamot....

Ang tao nga naman.....

Hindi mo alam kung anung klaseng awa ang ibibigay mo...awa dahil sa kanilang tunay kalagayan...o awa dahil wala na silang pag-asa, dahil pinili na din nilang mawala ito...pero marahil nga hindi naman nila pa prioridad ang makamtam ang awa...mas uunahin nilang makuha ang limos para pantawid sa kahirapn.

Nakakalungkot isipin...na maraming ganito sa ating bansa.

Hindi rin naman dapat isipin lang na mas masuwerte kung hindi ikaw ang nasa kanilang kalagayan...

ang kahirapan na nga siguro ang pinakamalaking problema ng lipunan....na paulit ulit hahanapan ng solusyon...at paulit ulit naman isisisi ng ilan sa ibang tao.

pero anu nga ba talaga ang problema....ang kawalan ng pera? o kawalan ng pagsisikap para magbago ang buhay?

sana ang kasagutan ay hindi parang kung anu ang nauna...itlog ba o manok?...

Loving someone is beyond our control. It is something beyond the comprehension of our minds and even beyond the function of our hearts.
It is stubborn and always insistent to what it desires...
Time and circumstance may challenge it, but only those which are true can surpass its quite excruciating test.
It never question preferences, status, sexuality....neither it questions somebody else's past.
It survives and exists inspite of everything else....
It waits with out assurance..it's just there...and the hope never fades.
When it is true, sometimes it will even teach you to wish for other's happiness....
even if it means your very own sorrow...

I believe that sometimes we need to go through some life's test in order for us to appreciate more what is prepared for us tomorrow.
We will fully learn to enjoy happiness if we had experienced being unhappy even once in our lives.
....everything has its reason.

Bliss...

I am just grateful for the many blessings I have been receiving...God has been so good...
I just can't exactly describe the feeling...I just know that it's such a good feeling
and you know that when you're feeling that good, there's something in you that makes you wanna share it...
it is just overwhelming...