workin' for a dream

it's hard to earn a living...and hard to keep a job.
if not for other people and my other priorities...i could have given up my work.
it's a sad and but ironic thing that sometimes " you have to sacrifice your priorities over the means to achieve that priority of yours"...
it's like you are settling for such consequence...so as not to give up your entire dream.
But who says that successful people didn't experience challenges towards achieving their dreams? I guess that makes a person successful. Despite the adversities they always end up winning...because they never give up achieving what they want...

Lexamorjuris

December is about to finish.
Looking at all my entries here I'm kinda' amaze to see that I have written so many...with sense and without...Random thoughts, impulsive and emotional outburst....or just killing the time at times.

I may be sounding like I am putting an end on my blog...
I must be lying or perhaps giving this "unknown" blog some sort of controversy- if I'd say "yes! this is the final entry!" coz that's the last thing I would do...well, except of course for highly exceptional cases. But for the meantime I don't see any reason of deleting this and starting a new one. It's not worth of anything.

Contrary to what I have anticipated...I had a great vacation!
Though I have welled my eyes from tears...the week ended harmonious.
Whatever the reason there is...my understanding and respect will always be there.
I will just wait for the time when he is ready to open up things ...and ready to ask for any help.
I am happy that I have spent my time wisely and happily...with my family and relatives.

I am now hard up! but I care less...long as I know I made other people happy.
This is one of the best christmas for me...despite other things that happened.

Pasko

Dalawang tulog nalang at pasko na. Hindi tulad ng bata ka pa highlighted ang pasko. Bagong damit, sapatos at maraming regalo. Isang pinakamasayang araw sa buong taon. Pero ganun ba talaga kapag tumatanda na? parang isang araw nalang ito na lilipas din. Magastos. Malungkot kung walang panggastos.
Life is harder now adays...I guess hindi lang ang mahihirap ang nakakaranas ng kahirapan. With the credit crunch and global crisis...kahit mayayaman, matatatag na kumpanya ay apektado. At kung mamalasmalasin ang ilan sa atin ay walang trabaho.
Kung minsan nakakakunsyensyang magreklamo na pagod ka sa trabaho...pero ang totoo yung ibang tao nagdadasal magkaroon kahit gaano kahirap.
There are even some who would take the risk just for a 50 or 100 bucks. Yes, may mga trabahong ganun lang ang kikitain matapos tumawid ng ilang lalawigan...matapos mong magbababad sa maduming tubig at maghanap ng mga magnet o bumiga ng espongha makuha lang ang mga naiwang langis ng barko o de-motor na bangka. Kung tutuusin sa ilan, pang-kape lang yun...pero sa karamihan dugo't pawis ang katapat noon para lang may makain sa hapag-kainan. Kung tayo ay mahilig magtira ng pagkain o magtapon ...may ibang naghahanap ng pagkain sa basura. May ibang minabuting itulog nalang ng sa gayun ay malimutan ng utak ang daing ng sikmura.
Totoong hindi naman kasalanan ng ilang ang kinahinatnan ng iba...masasabi ko din na ang ibang tao kung san man sila ngayon ay dahil pinaghirapan nila ang kung anung meron sila.
Masuwerte ang ilan. Pero sana kung isa ka sa masusuwerte na yun...sana hindi ka maging sidlihan nalamang ng biyaya...bagkus ay daluyan para maibahagi ito sa ilan.
...kahit man lang maliit na paraan.

Merry Christmas...

Happiness paid a visit....
again..with his nice but shy-like smile...
Surprised as I was....I immediately went to the printer side getting some print outs
as if not minding his sudden presence
He greeted my colleagues "Merry Christmas"
He walked his way towards me...meeting me halfway....
paused for a moment
all but timid smile...
He was mumbling something....
while I was absorbing everything...
I blew it again!....nothing came out my lips
unproductive of a conversation
Happiness....left the place

There was silence for a moment...then he totally disappeared
Then I heard my colleagues saying " ehem....wow naman tlaga!"
and they started singing songs for me...teasing me to death!


I was lost for a moment.
Absorbing that he indeed came back...after the lapses

Recap

Last night at Bj's house we had a recollection of what had happened bago pumasok ang 2008...at hanggang sa kasalukuyan.
Dec. 21 - Super badtrip at halos isumpa ako ni Benjamin hahaha....kahit hindi ako nakasama sa kanila sa Subic...ang presence ko ay parang andun lang kasi buong araw syang badtrip!....
ang controversial na tawag nya at ang sagot ko hahaha

March - The big fight! ang sigalot na nagtest ng friendship ng lahat. Ron vs. Leah ( and muntik ng ng lahat hahaha)
- to add...ang napakadramatic na pagpapaalam ni Ron hahaha thru text...with matching "no need to reply, this is a system generated message..."

April-Subic part two. Almost complete..except of course kay mama lei. Ang pag-ako ni Sheila na sya ang hindi nagbayad...ehem ayan ang nagagawa ng pag-ibig. hehehe
-ang linyang " by the way, wat's your name again?" na pinakawalan ni Ruby1
-ang mga kapalpakan na pinaggagawa na pagkain na ikinapikon ng may mga sala.
-ang mala serendipity-ing pagkakita sa Duty Free kay Jeremy.
-ang pagsama ni Jay sa barkada.

April-May - ang tragic na nangyari sa grades sa Busorg II

-ang biglaang panlilibre ni Elvin para lang magbati sila Ron at Mama Lei.

June-August - ang controversial na pier one. kung ito'y maalala mo kaya malamang ang title "payong" hahaha
-ang hindi makakalimutan pageskapo nila Ohnat at pagmamaneho ni Rina makalayo lang at makaiwas sa impending danger hahaha ng baril...na hindi namalayan nasa Makati na sila
-ang mga US marines

September - ang walang tulugang Barops

November - ang batangas outing...kung saan maraming guys ang naging daring. at kung saan may nabighani sa legs ni chang rina.
wala ako dun sayang! kasalukuyang nagtatrabaho...
at syempre hindi ko nakasama si Atty. B ...na after kung kamustahin...sabay sabi nila BJ na may kasamang girl at never na daw akong kakausapin dahil hindi ako sumama...tama bang mang-asar!
at marami pang ibang pangyayari...

In a nutshell...this year has been a lot peaceful (yep peaceful pa yan) and happy...
looking forward for the coming year....

Missing

" I hate to admit it...but I miss you!"

- ang taray di ba?....that's Ohnat's way of saying he misses me.


" Cel..miss na kita sobra." paused repeat 4x

-ang kulit...that's Lara's way

Gift

GIFT 1:

BJ:O kay Aira yan...para lang yan sa mga bata!
Me: hehehe gusto ko na ngang buksan...
BJ:Pag yan naamoy ko sa'yo ha!

**********
Aira: (reading To: Ira From: Tito BJ) I...R...A ay mali naman dapat A...I...R...A aira!


**********
Maldita tlaga!


GIFT 2

Ohnat nagreklamo sa natanggap na gift! hehehe....Magnet as against Tshirts for others...
Comment: Ang panget!
hahaha

Gift 3

Early in the morning...a text from Lara
Lara: Anung gusto mong gift?
Me: Boy? hehehe
Lara: (no reply...badtrip!)

Joahna's dream

I had a dream last night....and it was the same dream that Joahna had.
hahaha...perhaps I had too much of him last night or probably I had too much of dwelling on Joahna's dream....kaya hangang panagip ayan nabubuhay na naman ang pagasa (stupid hope).
Stupid talaga...alam na ngang hindi pwede at hindi mangyayari
well buti nalang at hindi siya nagbabasa ng blog ko kung hindi magfefeeling na naman...

Ok nalang he's just there...
I'm happy the way things are.

Sguro the worst thing that would ever happen...
ang malamang ikakasal sya....
I swear hindi ako aattend!

So, I guess...enough of Joahna's dream...and I shall need to focus on much bigger things
like what "he always reminds me to do" (I just couldn't imagine how things would be next year...with out him)

But I wish him so much Goodluck. My support will be there...100% as always.

Four years ago...

"...suffering occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine we want to be loved, and not in the way that love should manifest itself - free and untrammeled, guiding us with its force and driving us on."


Friends, HE and SHE looking at a GIRL from a distance...

HE: You know SHE, the first time I saw her (GIRL) entered the room, I knew she's the one..
SHE: Really...

Ran out of words to say....

SHE (mumbled to herself) : That was the same thing I felt for you.... :(


********

Sometimes if love is so real...even if it hurts...even not compensated...it will stay
though unnoticed...
unknown...

though impossible...
for some reason it really stays.

...I never even tried to deny it now..coz I know I won't succeed.
I have tried before, but for some reason ...it's still here.
I'm contented to know that whatever happens...he will be there...
as my very dear friend.

Tie the knot

I was close to crying lastnight...
I tried my best to hold my tears....makeup would smudge
my bestfriend was laughing...

It was indeed such a wonderful night...

Hope my bestfriend Jo and Ad would be the next one :)

Joahna's Dream

My bestfriend had a dream the other day and she told me about it...
I told her.."It's impossible!"
yes, my reason dictates it is indeed impossible....
However, there's a 'lil voice in my heart praying that her dream would come true :(

It's a fact that I have accepted long time ago...
But I guess the hope will always be there...
waiting for any opportunity to grow...

Sometimes I admire it for not even given up
...inspite of everything that happened
and for which that didn't...

Exclaustration

"A release from religious vows to return to the secular world."

-answers.com

Sad Christmas

It's hard to celebrate christmas this year...considering what happened..
It's hard.
But I know God will help us get through...

All the more I want to finish my degree...I can not just cry and sympathize as I dwell on what happened
I need to do something...I need to be of help.

I know God really has his purpose.

I really pray Justice will be served.

Bakit nga ba?

Kung minsan bakit mas madali para sa ibang tao ang bigyan ng pansin at halaga ang taong hindi naman ganun ang pagtingin sa kanila...
at bakit mas mahirap ibigay ang parehong pagtingin sa taong lubos ang pagpapahalagang binibigay.
Naisasantabi ang mga taong andyan kapag kailangan mo..
ang mga taong lubos ang pagmamalasakit
ang mga taong palaging umuunawa
ang mga taong palaging nagbibigay
ang mga taong paulit ulit kang pinahahalagahan
kahit paulit ulit mo na lamang sinasaktan.
...ang pinakamasakit ay alam mong nakakasakit ka...ngunit pikit mata mo paring ginagawa.

Nakatingin ka sa punong nasa kabilang ilog...pero hindi mo man lang napansin ang punong nasa likod mo....
ang punong iyong sandalan kapag ika'y pagod
ang punong iyong sinisilungan kapag ang araw ay mataas
at ang langit ay umiiyak...
Pero ang mata mo ay patuloy na nangangarap na maakyat ang puno sa kabila
nangangarap na palaguin ito at tikman ang bunga
ngunit ni minsan...ang punong iyong abot kamay ay hindi mo man lang nagawang alagaan.
Mali bang maging mabait sa'yo?
Mali bang sundin ka at ibigay ang gusto mo?
Mali bang hindi ka saktan?
...kailangan bang lumayo...para masabing pinaghirapan?
kailangan ka din bang saktan?...para iyong pahalagahan?
ganon ba ang gusto mong pagkakaibigan?


....nakakapagod na lang kasi.

I just wish to attain my freedom again...
to freed myself from imprisonment of anxiety
I am no saint neither a martyr...my friend said, to ever think about other people
before even thinking of my own sake
but there's something keeping me to do that now...maybe for now
I just want to be my old "me"
Life is indeed a long journey of proving myself..not so to other people
but to by very own self!
I don't want to take it as a struggle
but a process.
When people have the notion that you can plant a tree
they will forever test your ability if you can really do so...
criticize you and your plants
and even your garden.
Some will try to think of every possibility just so to discourage you
and to condition you and other people who knows the same that you can not.
Then it becomes a battle between yourself and your inner being....not anymore against them.
They will try to kill the notion they once knew
and if you allow it to happen....they may even kill the true you.
And if they see that you are not discouraged...keep an eye on your garden.
I have always believe that everyone is good per se....
But now I have realized....some are compelled to do evil
not only by other people...but also by the struggle they have among themselves.
It is a choice to be the planter who is being criticize or the one that makes the criticism.
But we also have the choice to be neither....that is if we can have a great life despite the shit that other people is throwing on us.
...and to do so can only start within.

Bookworming

Another book of Paulo C. has inspired me.
Spending my lil' vacation would not be complete had I didn't read one of Paulo's masterpiece. I have been wanting to read " By the River Piedra I sat down and wept" just that I couldn't squeeze it in my jammed schedule.
Last Monday, since I was scheduled to buy gifts (for my "inaanaks", cousins, nieces and nephews, relatives, officemates, family and friends), I decided to drop at the nearby bookstore and grab a copy of said book. I was supposed to get 4 actually, including witch of portobello (not sure about the title,though), veronika decides to die and eleven minutes...but last minute I decided to get one as I was remembered that I could not afford to just spend my whole vacation reading books other than my law books as the prelim exam is already nearing.
(But nevertheless, later I'll buy Veronika decides to die and will try to squeeze it in my other sched..hehehe)
The book is generally about LOVE and SPIRITUAL LIFE ( based upon my appreciation).
It tackles one's faith about religion...vocation...mission...and love.
It is a story of the love that once lost and once found....
The two character in the story were childhood friends, both had dreams...and both pursued their dreams in different ways and means.
The guy wanted to travel the world and know more about the world...and so he left the place where he grew up....leaving Pilar (the girl) behind. Their love, concealed into friendship, survived through exchanges of letters. But soon the exchanges of letters had stopped and they both lived their lives seperately...not knowing that time has already passed by.
The guy went to a seminary.
Pilar, a student, wanting to get a job in state.
After 11 years, they met again.
After 11 years...they could not deny that the feelings have not changed.
Pilar, who had thought that she had convinced herself to stiffle whatever feelings she had for her friend....later realized she was wrong.
She could not be in love with the impossible...that's what she told herself.
She had waited for so long to have the love she has been longing for...a love that is possible. Whatever feelings she has for her friend could not be pursued.
The guy fought for the love he has for Pilar....he decided to go out the seminary and to live his life with Pilar.

It is a story of pursuing love and knowing how to pursue a deeper spiritual life....and a different way of serving God and others.
In dreaming there should be work...in working out our dreams along the way there are sacrifices.
Our life can not promise us all but happiness...
but one thing for sure...we are created for happiness.
It is up to us how to discover it and pursue it.

The one that just went away...
I guess, I just have to respect my friend.
For the reason there is
Though we're apart
Friendship will remain...

Happiness is a corner away.... and though that fact ticks me off, I'm just thinking he's just a smile away. Goodness I'm stuck with so much stuffs!

Vicious Cycle

"Ilang ulit ka bang kailangan magpaulit-ulit ng mga bagay na hindi mo naman gustong ulitin pa pero paulit-ulit mong kailangang pagdaanan para lang malaman na sana di mo na lang inulit?"

-Lex Juris, in great disappointment...

Fickle minded

I have changed my blog design (again) not because of the trauma I had to linger for quite few hours last friday as somebody used my account and posted nasty things at my site's expense. I just find it hard to utilize my blog with the new skin and I got scared that it would be prone again to said incident. Since my friend(who helped me out in uploading freeblogskin) mentioned before that my previous blog skin was okay...I decided to use this again. Since I only got the chance to blog when im here at the office it would be best to access this in a convenient way.

--> I'm explaining and hoping my friend won't get offended that I've changed it notwithstanding the effort exerted in helping me out.

Disconnected

When I signed in this afternoon I received a PM from Bj, my friend, saying "ANONG NANGYARI SAYO?"( yes in a capslock). He said that I haven't replied on his text messages. He texted me last Sat and Sun but I didn't make even a single reply. He further asked if I attended the class last Sat and Sun (I haven't seen my friend since last week). He said he's just worried coz I wasn't answering...
Bigla ko naman namiss ang ever dearest friend ko.
Sabi nila "version version" kaming dalawa...sa ayaw at sa gusto namin.
"He is my male version. I am his female version".
Though we hate it to admit...sometimes kahit kami natatawa at nagugulat nalang.
I remember one time, while caught in a traffic, out of the blue pareho kaming kumanta ng parehong lumang kanta...at pareho pa ng umpisa..parang alanganing gitna langaning chorus yung bigla nalang namin kinanta and sobrang natawa pati yung friend namin who was riding at the backseat.
Maraming beses pareho kami ng binibitawang salita...at sasabihin pa namin yan ng sabay na sabay.
Alam na alam namin kung pano galitin ang isa't isa. Alam na alam din kung pano uutuin (hehehe), basahin kung galit o nagiinarte lang ang isa't isa at marami pang iba.
Sinong hindi makakaalala sa Top Grill Scandal hehehe as in SCANDALo ng nabasag ang katahimikan ng lugar dahil sa sigawang naganap dahil sa "P*****a-thing". Un na ang una't huling punta ko dun. And after that also nobody (in our group) attempted to go there.
It's a blessing in disguise that he lose in the election the year after, otherwise hindi pa kami magbabati..hehehe
"What else is new?" sabi nga nila, kapag magkaaway kami.
Sabi nga nya tatlong tao lang daw ang nakakapagpainit ng ulo nya; Ron (our dear friend Ron), Bart (his childhood friend..the brown eyed Bart) and ako na daw ang panghuli.
Kung madalas man syang magwalk-out...malamang may nasabi or nagawa akong mali.
Ganun na din yun kapag bigla akong nagwalk-out.
In short pareho kaming madrama....frustrated artista--siya hehehe
Siya naman ang kaisaisang lalaking nagpapaiyak sa akin ng matindi...dahil sa sobrang inis at galit/tampo.
Months ata bago kami magbati.
First time kung madelete sa friendster...hehehe
Ako naman walang kasawa sawang i-block at i-delete sya sa phonebook ko at email list....but eventually binabalik din naman.
In short pareho kaming delete ng delete.
Mas mapride nga lang ang friend kong ito...kahit makipagbati ka na at kahit kausapin pa ng kung sino sino kapag ayaw...ayaw nya!
Every time nagkakabati kami binabawian ko nlang nang mga favorites nya...na never naman nyang shinare! i,e. fresh pastillas, chocolates! ang nakakainis nun pareho nga kami ng favorites...
In fairness, never naman syang nagstart ng away. Maarte lang talaga ako at matampuhin. (pero mas maarte sya!) and what's good about him he knows when to say sorry...at kung pano nya kunin ang loob mo.
Kung hindi kami magkaaway, basta magkasama kami...sure yan may kakaibang pangyayari.
Jinx daw ako sa buhay nya (siya din naman sa akin).
Hindi ko makakalimutan yung nabuhos sa kanya ang mainit na kape habang magkausap kami at nagdidrive sya.
Hindi ko makakalimutan na bababa nalang ako nabunggo pa kami.
At iba iba pang kapahamakan...
Kahit marami kaming similarities...marami din naman kaming pagkakaiba...siguro mas madami lang ang pareho.
Sabi nya bawas bawasan ko daw ang pagiging sweet...nakakaumay.
Hindi kasi sya yung tipo ng taong expressive. Aminado sya dun.
Ayaw na ayaw nya ang touchy!
Naaalibadbaran hehehe
Pero ok lang kung sya ang touchy or maglalambing...unfair di ba?
Pareho kaming nega basta may nalilink sa mga kaibigan...so unfortunately naapply nya sa akin yun.
Parang pakiramdam ko wala akong taste. Lahat na ata ng may connection sa akin nilait nya...especially yung taong gustong gusto ko (dati hehehe) ...mahihirapan kang pintasan yung tao kasi halos nasa kanya na lahat-lahat...pero nalalait pa din. At hindi na bago kapag nagkwento ako at pagkatapos nun ay may kasunod na pintas. Pero kapag alam nyang ayaw ko...kulang nalang ipagsiksikan nya (makapang-asar lang).
Kahit naman ako madalas nyang laitin...
Minsan lang sya nag advice regarding sa mga ganung bagay...pero yung minsan na yun forever ko nang hindi makakalimutan buong buhay ko...and it speaks so much kung gano nya ako pinahalagahan at gano ang value nya sa akin bilang kaibigan...bilang tao...bilang babae.
Kahit madalas pakiramdam ko he doesn't care...pakiramdam ko lang yun. I know he's one of the few people who genuinely cares for me...just that he is not that expressive. But action speaks louder than words...so okay na din. I am so blessed to have him in my life. To have a friend like bij.
Si bij ang isa sa mga taong pagkakatiwalaan mo. Isa sya siguro sa mga unang taong kokontakin ko in case of emergency...coz I know bukod sa reliable sya...gagawa talaga sya ng paraan.
Isa sya sa mga taong kahit pilit mong i-try to let go...hindi mo magagawa. Sabi nga sa isang pelikula..."You'll never make it!"
Mahirap mang iadmit...pero magiging malaking kawalan sya sa life ko.
Natutuwa ako kasi siguro as we mature...as our friendship grows and we became open to each other. May mga bagay na di kayang sabihin noon na kaya na ngayon...
Mga bagay na kapag sinabi hindi magiging dahilan para masira ang pagtingin sa isa't isa
bagkus...makapagpatibay ng tiwala, samahan at pagkakaibigan.
Kung anu man ang feelings ko for him...he knows that and he is aware of that.
Kung anu mang tanong na mayroon ang mga kaibigan namin lahat yun nasasagot naman.
Im happy about how the friendship grows...
I know lahat naman ng bagay may katapusan....lahat ng bagay at tao nawawala
But I also believe that there are things in this life that remain.
Kung anu man ang mawawala at anu man hindi...it's not for me to worry about.
It's better to enjoy each day...and capture the moments...and be thankful everyday for the blessings...including friends like him.
Marami pa kong gustong sabahin about sa friend kong ito...but i'm just reserving everything...

NICE BLOG

There's another one nice blog, which is interesting to read and follow.
I'm really convinced that the owner of this blog is one gifted soul...or someone meant to touch other's heart..

Just in case there's somebody else who reads my blog (aside from me hehehe), hope you'll take the time to go through this blog site: http://priesttales.blogspot.com/2008/11/good-or-bad-hard-to-say.html